Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Why now?

It’s been almost 4 months. Lil Major has grown and changed so much in that time. Almost every day I notice something different about him. And almost every day I see something that reminds me of Gary and Kim – my coffee cup she decorated for me, the fun magnets decorating my kitchen that they gave me, the crazy No Trespassing signs in the garage that used to hang in Kim and Gary’s house, their picture on my bookshelf…

So, why did I cry on my way to work TODAY? Why are those memories and feelings of loss coming back to me NOW?

Maybe it’s delayed. I never took it as hard (on the outside) as Jayme did.

But, I don’t think so. I think that because my son is reaching milestones like crazy right now, it’s making me realize all that he will miss out on by never knowing Auntie Kim and Uncle Gary. I look at pictures of Gary and Kim with their other nieces and nephews. They loved them SO much, and you can see the love on their faces as they hold them. It hurts so much that Lil Major will never have that chance. Uncle Gary will never teach him to say, “Uncle Gary is my favorite uncle.” Auntie Kim will never take the picture of her holding all her nieces and nephews when Lil Major is one of them.

I was going to leave out the tornado story from his baby book. Not that I would hold the story back from him, but just to make the book happier. But, I changed my mind. I want Lil Major to know how special he was to Gary and Kim before they even met him. I’m going to go back and include the story and pictures of Gary and Kim in his baby book.

G&K would be so excited to hear that Lil Major is eating cereal now, and loving it! And that his first tooth is about to pop out – you can feel its pointy edges just breaking through his gum. And that he’s going to crawl ANY day. He gets up onto all fours and rocks back and forth. And how he laughs like crazy when you buzz his neck or tickle his foot or poke his arm pit. I hope that they can look down from heaven and watch their newest nephew as he grows and changes.


Band of Brothers said...

aw, Sally. I am so sad for you right now. That is so heart-wrenching. From what you all have said, Gary and Kim were amazing people--they will be forever missed by their loved ones. They were so special, that it hurts so much more.

Aside from all the sadness... I am so proud of lil major's accomplishments, and for his upcoming tooth!

Terri said...

ouch that does hurt to read your words. I live in my own little untroubled world and I forgot about sweet Kim and Gary. I'm really sorry it hurts so bad, still. But it does feel good to know how much he was/is loved by them, even before he had his own little personality eh?

Eliza said...

I think it's a great way to honor them to put them in his baby book.

abbagirl74 said...

I am glad you decided to keep this in the book. He will truly appreciate it when he is old enough.

Jayme said...

Well crap. I hadn't checked on your blog for a couple of days and am just now catching up.

Now I'M crying. Geez. Millie and Neal and I have both expressed that the last couple of weeks have been really hard all over again. Someone asked Neal how we were doing and he said he almost couldn't handle answering. I think the vast emptiness of all the time without them gets more real each day.

I'm no longer unable to function...but I have incredible raw hurt to deal with each day still.

I love you.